I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
