Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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