don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
