The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
