i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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