Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
