No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
