My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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