i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
