can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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