you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
