she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
