how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
