I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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