I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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