I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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