i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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