Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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