I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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