you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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