I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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