I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
