I think my fart just growled at me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
