Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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