Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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