Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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