I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
