Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
