I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
