Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have aggressive nipples.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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