why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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