Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
