Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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