I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
