I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
