Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
