I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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