Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
