Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
