He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
