12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
