if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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