Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
