i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
