he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
