Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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