I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
