i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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