weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
