I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
