Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
