i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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