I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's blow job season.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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