I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
